Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You took a bar mat shot.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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