i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
