I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My feet surprised me
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
