i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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