he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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