quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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