Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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