i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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