it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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