When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Randomize
