so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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