he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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