Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
