He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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