You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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