So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
