I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
