arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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