she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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