i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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