Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
