You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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