meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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