I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
