My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
