jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize