the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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