i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
