I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize