I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
