I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
the gays at disneyland are vicious
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize