you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
why do cheetos always look like penises
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
