Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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