shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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