My hand turned me down
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize