I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize