I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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