I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
