my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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