My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
