I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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