I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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