I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
That was before I lit my hair on fire
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
