Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
