For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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