If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
