Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
