I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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