I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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