I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize