yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
