dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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