At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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