apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
How does it feel to date your dad?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
