I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
